I just wanna be me
by sercret
Summary: Alan's thoughts on his brothers, who people think he is and who he is. Movie-verse.
1. Chapter 1: Family & me

_**Hi I no own this**_

_**Please review**_

_**Secret**_

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Hi my name is Alan Shepherd Tracy and I am the youngest child of the ex-astronaut Jeff Tracy. This means I have four older brothers Scott, John, Virgil and Gordon.

Scott is the oldest and there is ten whole years between us meaning he's 24 and I'm only 14. I love Scott especially since he practically raised me after my mum died when I was four. But since dad started up with the thunderbirds Scott has started ignoring me and when he talks to me it's basically just teasing.

John's the next oldest at 22 he was briefly in NASA before he joined the thunderbirds. I don't really get to see him so we don't have the best relationship but he probably knows about the same about me as the rest of the family, which is nothing.

Virgil is next and is 20. He was a doctor briefly so he is the island's unofficial doctor. Virgil and me were never really close not like me and Gordon or me and Scott but it still hurts how just ignores or teases me now.

Gordon is my last older brother and he is 18 so there's four years between us. When we were younger me and Gordon were the terrible two but now we're not! That's all there is to say. Except…well sometimes I feel like he hates me!

And then there's me. Alan Shepherd Tracy. The youngest. The mistake. The unwanted one. The unimportant one.

My family think I'm just selfish, childish, reckless, stupid etc.

And maybe it I am selfish, childish, reckless and stupid if it's selfish, childish, reckless and stupid to want my family to care, to want them to remember me, to want them to know the real me. They don't though, they don't know the real me. They don't know that I feel like there's nothing I can do because I will never do as good as them. I don't want to learn to fly because I could never do it as good as Scott. I can do many things with a computer but John, Fermat and Brains are the computer people. I can play some musical but Virgil can play twice as much. I can swim quite fast but Gordon has an Olympic gold medal for swimming. I have nothing so I must build walls up around myself to protect me from everyone including myself.


	2. Chapter 2: Rescues & Me

**_Hi I no own this thanks to Sad-Blue-Eyed-Angel 2010 , kattfan12001 and beadbird for the reviews you guys are the reason I decided to make this more than a one shot Secret_ **

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I've just finished my last day of school when the school's little messenger comes running down the corridor yelling, "It's the Thunderbirds. They're gonna be on TV. Let's go!"

As he runs past me and Fermat I grab him under the arms, "Whoa! Where are they?"

"In Russia, at an oil rig fire." He yells in my face and then pulls himself free and runs off down the corridor to the T.V. room.

Immediately my defence mode comes into play, "Great! I'm stuck at school and my brothers are on a cool mission."

My best friend, Fermat Hackenbacker, stares at me and for a minute I think I'm busted but then he smiles and says, "Wanna watch?"

I grin even though I'm screaming in side and reply with, "Yeah."

Together we race into the T.V. room and fight our way to the front of the crowd in time to hear the end of Lisa Lowe's report, "…lives of six men who remain trapped on board. An emergency call went out to the Thunderbirds a few minutes ago. They should be here any moment now. And here they are!"

Everyone cheers as thunderbird one flies into view quickly followed by thunderbird two. And pretty soon Fermat and I are pretending we are behind the controls of one of my dad's amazing machines, we move our hands just like my brothers or my dad will be doing. "What'll they do now?" Fermat whispers to me.

"Lower the platform from thunderbird two!" I whisper back and seconds later they lower down the platform with Virgil on it. After that everyone seems to think everything will be fine but my stomach is doing a nervous jig every time Virgil steps to close to the edge of the platform. Virgil don't you dare die one me. I will kill you if you die on me; I think each of these times. After what feels like a lifetime for me the platform is pulled back into the belly of thunderbird two and my family is safe again. I cheer along with everyone else, even though I feel like crying.

But my walls come back in complete force as Josh Henderson yells, "Man I wish could be a thunderbird one day, Thunder turd!" Here he looks at me smugly and I can't resist taking him down a peg or two.

"That's another good one, diaper boy!" I reply and can't help but smirk when everyone else laughs and he looks annoyed.


	3. Chapter 3: Home & me

_**Hi thanks to**_

_**Sad-Blue-Eyed-Angel 2010 and **_

_**for the reviews hope you guys like this chapter**_

_**oh and is that new small copy and paste box too small. it's the reason this chapter wasn't posted sooner!**_

_**Secret**_

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As Parker announces we are approaching Tracy Island my stomach is filled with butterflies and I have to try hard not to vomit but as Parker continues and says, I force a smile onto my face and give my dad a thumbs up as he flies by.

I even manage a small laugh as they speed up and Scott shows off his fancy flying and Lady Penelope says, "Now that's just showing off."

-Line-break-

I'm sitting at the table talking to Fermat and Onaha, trying to calm my growing nerves when I hear my dad's voice. Knowing full well I can't let him in I pretend to be all happy but secretly I wish he would see through my charade, "Dad!"

"Alan!" he yells back and pulls me into a hug, just before my brothers come running in to say hello to me and then to move onto Fermat like they don't even care.

"Dinner's ready! Come and get it."Onaha tells us and we all rush to sit around the table.

As my dad gets a drink I try to talk about the rescue but he waves me off and instead wants to talk about school. And when I suggest that I could be home schooled he shrugs me off and replies, "No short cuts, Alan. No school, no rockets. Why aren't you wearing your retainer?"

And then walks off before I can reply leaving me feeling like no one really wants to know what I think or really cares.

I sit down at the table just in time to catch the end of Scott's boasting, "...knots right up my keister."

And when I try to be helpful by suggesting that he should readjust the rear flaps.

The teasing starts, "Of course! It's not my first day in a Thunderbird. Keep up!"

"Don't you have homework?" Virgil asks mockingly.

"Unless he's blown up this school, like the last one!" Gordon says laughing.

"Keep Alan away from the ships. He's a hazard!" Scott adds.

And instead of standing up for me my dad says, "That's enough. Pass the salad."

And everyone just goes back to the topic of the mission. After a couple of minutes I realise I don't really want hang around in the open where my brothers can tease me (plus I don't feel like eating anymore), so I quietly tell everyone, "I'm not really hungry."

But no one seems to notice not even when I pull Fermat up with me because no one cares about me.


	4. Chapter 4: Thunderbirds & me

**_Hi sorry for not updating blame my computer._**

**_ it could go there ;)_**

**_ kattfan12001 heres the next chapter and I should have a few more after this :)_**

**_Sad-Blue-Eyed-Angel 2010 finally here is the update :D_**

**_Secret_**

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"Where'd you get the access code?" Fermat asks me as I key into thunderbird one's silo.

"Fermat, my friend, what you don't know can't hurt you." I reply with a smirk. Fermat and me sit down in the seats, "OK, Fermat. Run pre-flight checks."

Fermat nodded, "Right. Hydraulic systems are green."

"Commence main engine sequence." I reply

"FAB, Alan!"

"Couldn't hurt to just fire up the instruments." I suggest.

"No Alan! Wrong switch!" Fermat yells a second too late.

I almost feel like swearing as the automated voice starts repeating, "Warning. Engine sequence: Breach." Over and over again.

"Could this day get any worse?" I ask rhetorically.

But of course it can as my dad suddenly appears on the screen and saying, "Alan, my office. Now!"

"It just did." Fermat replies.

"I can't believe it." I say almost to myself as me and Fermat leave thunderbird 1. "We're so busted."

Fermat points at a green gel thing and says, "Look at this."

"What is it?"

"Looks like some sort of... gallium-electrolyte compound." Fermat replies and I decide I have to tell my dad as Fermat sounds really nervous.


	5. Chapter 5: Dad's office & me

**_Hi this a short chapter and i sort of hope it proves to Forest Princess that i can be original if she doesn't believe me then she can go look at my other stories and if she doesn't believe me then she can kindly not read my stories because you shouldn't read something just to hate on it and i have enough problems in my life with out he adding to them._**

_**Sad-Blue-Eyed-Angel 2010 thanks**_

_** yep it is like that stupid move Jeffy :-(**_

**_Secret_**

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Slowly I make my way to dad's office wishing I wasn't here, wishing I'd never been born.

When I get to the office I knock on the door and my dad says, "Come in!"

Slowly I make my way in and walk over to his desk. "Dad-," I started but he cuts me off.

"What the hell were you thinking! One wrong move and this whole operation goes up in smoke! Or people find out who we are!" He yells and I try hard to hide a shudder I must of managed as he doesn't stop there. "Earlier you told me you want to be a thunderbird but you can't even bring home Bs on your report card!"

That comment really hurts as my last report was mainly Bs with a few As but before I can open my mouth he continues. "You need to grow up!"

"What!? You sit there acting like you know me when you don't and you have the nerve to tell me to grow up! You need to grow up and realise that I am not the same little boy I was when mum died!"

"That's it Alan! You are grounded!"

"Do you honestly think I care anymore?!" I reply and storm out.

I storm all the way to my room and once I get there I collapse on the bed feeling all my energy drain away. I sigh and can't help but think, _why? Why me? Why do I have to be so different from the rest of my family? And why can't they just accept it? Why can't it just be like before mum died? Why did she die but I survived?_


	6. Chapter 6: the beach & me

**_Hi this a short chapter again but I will try and make the next one longer_**

_** thanks and I will  
**_

_**kattfan12001 Thanks loving your stories by the way**_

_**Secret**_

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I decide I need to calm down so I go down to the beach and just sit there for a minute thinking. After a while I stand up and look for stones to use for my stone-throwing machine I made it myself and am proud of it, the only problem is the stones need to be the right size or they don't work but nothing's perfect. Especially not anything made by me because according to my family. I'm an idiot, I'm worthless. I'm ripped out of my thoughts by Thunderbird 3 launching up in to the sky and it must be going to Thunderbird 5 which immediately strikes me as odd as I believed Thunderbird 5 to be fully stocked and John to staying up there till summer.

I hadn't realised Tintin had joined me until Fermat runs on to the beach, out of breath, yelling that Thunderbird 5 had been hit by a meteor or something.

I try to calm him down but then a little way away from the beach a sub surfaces and we glance at each other and yell, "RUN!"


End file.
